Just for the Bants
Thursday, February 23, 2012 at 9:35AM Many women of my generation were strongly influenced by ideas coming from the feminist movement, they had a huge impact on Western culture and although it’s been railed against again and again has seen a marked change in the general attitudes in society.
Not many men think it’s okay for a woman to be paid less for doing the same job as a bloke. Not many men think women shouldn’t have the vote or should be covered from head to foot in public.
Not many people in our current world think it’s okay to be racist. Okay, a few footballers and their fans, but even that is now so out of order we all know about it and are duly appalled by such ignorance.
However, my generation of women gave birth to a generation of sons, some of whom have grown up to feel comfortable in the company of women, but some, as we are seeing more often, not.
‘Lad culture,’ if it exists outside the minds and headlines of shallow journalism is the childish boy kicking agains the mother. It’s nothing new, it’s been going on since we grunted about in caves. There was a recent story doing the rounds in the UK of a student magazine called ‘UniLad’ which ran a very offensive article describing the ‘sexual mathematics of, essentially, how to rape female students and get away with it. I’m sure who ever wrote the piece will claim it was a joke, it was for the bants. I don’t believe that for a moment, virtually every heterosexual man I have ever met, myself included, has said or thought similar things. Maybe not quite so overtly, certainly not so publicly, but the complexity and emotional maturity of young women is, and I say this from experience, very challenging to young men.
Boys love their mums, they’re scared of their mums, when they grow up they go out of the cave, meet other mum type people (women) who don’t behave as they expect, woman who have opinions and don’t stay still in an attractive pose like in a cave painting or a pornographic picture.
Women require men to access the more vulnerable parts of themselves, this can be disturbing if you are emotionally mature and stable, it’s bloody terrifying if you had a bitter angry mother and a weak retiring father and you don’t know what you’re mean to do and the women keep criticising you for being immature and stupid.
Suddenly it’s a great relief to hang around with other similarly befuddled young men and do all the things your feminist mum would really hate, getting drunk, shouting loudly at football matches, referring to women as ‘it’ or ‘that.’ Using the word cunt as a term of abuse, they’re just letting off steam, having a laugh, probably not at the expense of your black or Asian mates, but definitely at the expense of women.
And it’s just for the Bants. For banter, it’s a joke when you tell a woman you want to tie her wrists to her ankles so you and your mates can gang bang her, don’t get all moody love, it’s a joke.
‘I could spit roast that.’
I heard that choice phrase spoken by a well educated married man when he saw a pleasant looking young woman walk past. It’s for the bants. I laughed when I heard that, the laugh that says ‘that is so wrong.’ The laugh that leads to the question ‘What if someone said that about your daughter.’ The well educated married man’s confident face then folds into a mass of contradiction, then anger. ‘I’d kill anyone who touched my daughter.’
It’s nothing new, Russian soldiers who raped every woman they found as they invaded Berlin in 1945 would have been loving and respectful sons to their mothers, would have fought to defend the honour of their sisters. They were probably doing it for the Bants.
So what I have realised over my 55 years of interaction with women is men need to change. To put it simply, men need to finally, in the 21st century, actually grow up. Not cling to their childhood with all the strength they can muster, making tragic little boy excuses for their offensive behaviour and claiming it was a joke.
We’ve almost done it with racism, we are on the way to doing it with homophobia although I think we’ve got another 100 years or so before being gay truly isn’t a problem for anyone who isn’t.
We have, as the article in UniLad so aptly illustrated, haven’t even started to sort out how to live with women.
Living with a woman you love but will never understand is a constant challenge, it’s a never ending journey which challenges every fibre of your being. You can retreat into childish cruelty, that’s what most men do and women have had to learn how to tolerate such moronic attitudes, or you can grow up and be different but equal.
Pie in the sky fantasy? Sadly for some time yet, I fear the answer is yes.
Reader Comments (5)
You know, I'd love to see a follow up post about how you would say... talk about this with your own kids. They're probably at ages where they've started to hear these kinds of comments and attitudes, so what do you do to broach the subject? How do you help them defend against it? Do you encourage them to try to pass on manners and behavior that they've learned from you?
Or how you would handle it with mates you perhaps think were not joking ironically at the expense of misogynists. Do you go direct and point out that the comments could be about your own daughter so EW?
I suppose posting this and trying to get people to consider this view is a step in getting people to confront such harmful behavior, but I think it'd be helpful to to explore possible solutions in more depth?
I simply say: Be empathic and don't treat others in a manner you wouldn't want to be treated if you were them. Respect others as you would like to be respected. That goes for everyone, regardless of sex or gender. It's not difficult - start today.
"...he saw a pleasant looking young woman..." - Isn't this referring to the woman in terms of her attractiveness? Is this in keeping with the aim of the piece?
This is why I found your novel “Punchbag” so utterly amazing. It was a tough book for me to read personally because of issues I’d had in my life, but it was a very honest book. You were able to explain both the male and female points of view in a frank, open style. You also brought to light the very important points; women have the right to say “no” and rape is an act of aggression. One of the most important messages I walked away with was people can change. People can see the world in a different light. It doesn’t need to be a major revelation, but sometimes a minor tweak in our perceptions and/or expectations can make a difference in us, and in the way we treat others. In the novel, Nick wasn’t a bad guy. I know a lot of “Nick”’s – they’re perfectly wonderful members of society. Through his journey he became an even better person.
I have a friend who credits me (me?) with opening her mind. I think her mind was open already; she just needed help seeing life from a different perspective. People can change, culture can change. I know I won’t see it in my lifetime, but in the end nurture will hopefully overcome nature. I hope in my own small way to help nurture along, and if I ever hear of one of my nephews treating a woman poorly, I’ll be helping “nurture” along in a big way – rest assured.
It’s not unforgivable for a young man to puff out his chest, to flex his muscles; in fact it’s partly instinct. It’s part of the animal survival instinct for males to show females they can be protectors and providers.
It is unforgivable to take an act, which is supposed to be the ultimate expression of trust and love (however you choose to express it) and turn it into an act of violence, aggression and oppression. Far from being a “girly thing” or an irrational/emotional female response, it is one of the fundamental ideals which separate humans from lower animals. It’s not just about survival of the species anymore for human beings; it’s transformed into a much higher form. It’s also about law and order in society. We all have the right as members of civilized society to be free from fear of violence/abuse/harm.
Once upon a time, a long time ago, before I met my husband (who is a prince among men) I went on a date with a guy who said something to me which was probably the stupidest remark I’ve ever heard, before or since. Things were moving a little faster and further than I was comfortable with, and I put the brakes on. He then said: “What would you do if I raped you?”
Now keep in mind my mother taught me from a very early age; you never start a fight, but by God you finish it. So as my brain tried to process this threat: “Huh? Wha? Did he just say..?” What actually came out of my mouth (in a very matter of fact tone) was: “Before or after you get out of the hospital?” He came back with something along the lines of “And why would I be in the hospital?” which caused me to explain whatever was left of him after I was through would have to deal with my brother and my cousin (Of course I used a much more descriptive analogy. One his moronic brain would understand. One I won’t repeat in polite company.)
What would possess someone to think something like that, let alone say something like that? I still can’t fathom what he thought the outcome of that remark would be. The outcome was, I had him drive me home and I never saw him again. Other than begetting more violence, what was the purpose of writing an article like the one in ‘UniLad”?
Perhaps the good that came out of the article was giving us the opportunity to open this discussion with the people we love in our lives. This is the reason you're one of my favorite teachers, "Professor" Llewellyn. Thank you.
Very simply sir, my respect for you soars with seemingly every keystroke.